Illuminati Insider Speaks: Part One

Former Illuminati member Willy Sampson reveals the shocking levels of incompetency plaguing the organisation

                                        

Chief Illuminati strategist Miley Cyrus

My personal involvement with the shadowy and ultra-powerful Illuminati began in 2010. 

It was almost immediately after joining that I realised there was something profoundly wrong with the group's internal culture.

As I was drawing up plans for hijacking the global financial system my colleagues seemed more concerned with inserting pentagrams into hip-hop videos and dealing with washed up singers from the 1980's.

While I attempted to influence the inner workings of the UN far greater emphasis was placed on saying fuck in backwards Latin and dressing up like giant lizards in order to terrorize school children.

I had signed up to take over the world, but increasingly I felt as if I had wondered into something stolen from the plot of a Sly Stallone movie.

Two years later I had left in the worst of circumstances. 

Now, thanks to The Holy Book of Robocop I am able to tell my story and reveal what I see as the main issues affecting the modern day Illuminati.

                                                    

Not terribly secret, for a secret society

Even before I had joined the group and sacrificed my first chicken I had assumed that the major priority of any secret society should be to remain, dare I say it, secret.

It is something that seems self-evident to this day, but the behaviour of my colleagues often seemed to fly in the face of this simple principle.

Is this kind of behaviour truly wise for a "secret" society?

In 2011, after spending months working on a scheme to hide us from the public eye, all of my work was undone when secret agents Jay Z and Kanye West were instructed to flash known Illuminati hand signals in front of billions of people.

"We gotta keep throwing up the gang signs," a high ranking official explained to me shortly afterwards. "Bitches do need to recognise, after all."

This kind of thinking was to be a recurring theme.

Even as I was trying to hide our operational footprint, those higher up in the group were plastering painfully obvious imagery all over Beyonce's latest video.

"Is all of this really necessary?" I would ask my superiors. "I thought that we were meant to keep ourselves hidden behind the scenes...?"

Yet these questions were simply waved away.

"The symbols are integral to our whole operation," I was told. "They tell me that pyramids can make old people shit themselves, and I hear that one time the giant eye made a young Indonesian boy's head explode!"

This kind of behaviour had come as an incredible shock.

I had joined the group hoping to find myself amongst the sharpest human beings on the planet. Yet the more I learnt about the Illuminati, about its methods and preoccupations, the more I began to question its leadership.

In fact, if I hadn't known better I would have concluded that the entire Illuminati idea had been dreamt up by Bible-obsessed simpletons with room temperature IQs and over-active internet connections. 

                                                                          

CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO OF WILLY SAMPSON'S REVELATORY STORY