Dispatches From The Star Wars Universe: Anti-Imperial Conspiracy Theories

The following transmission was picked up by The Holy Book of Robocop's long-range scanners. Its exact origins are unknown, but it is clearly from a long time ago and a galaxy far, far away.

                                     

Vader: The target of so many of the conspiracy theories

There are certain phenomena in today's galaxy that have attained the status of inevitability. 

No matter how near or far from the system's core they may be we can rest assured that Wookies will cheat at holochess, tauntauns will smell worse on the inside, and protocol droids will inevitably behave like mincing homosexuals. 

Now we can add another culprit to that list. 

With just a cursory glance at the current media landscape it is clear that, regardless of how quickly they are knocked down, the left wing, rebel-sympathising media will continue to invent new waves of anti-Palpatine conspiracy theories.

The evidence for this, unfortunately, is all around us. 

And lo and behold it was only last week that a new humdinger would emerge from a dark corner of the galaxy's press.

Published in Rebel Monthly the article was an almost incoherent mess that attempted to establish a sprawling, headache-inducing series of links between top Imperial figures and members of the Rebel Alliance.

Too labyrinthine to be recounted here in full, the article's author claimed, amongst others things that Lord Vader, the military leader who famously helped defeat the fanatical Jedi, was himself once a part of the Jedi's religion.

And no, you did not just misread that last sentence.

Somehow we are meant to believe that Vader was once one Anakin Skywalker, a prominent Jedi who at a certain point was able to create a new identity for himself, deftly switching sides as the momentum of the conflict swung against his former allies.

But the accusations do not stop there. 

What the article goes on to claim would be funny, if it hadn't been so eagerly championed by a legion of idealistic young students in unwashed Han Solo t-shirts.

The author's next assertion is that Lord Vader is in fact the biological father of infamous terrorist leader Luke Skywalker. 

At this point seriously in danger of descending into farce the article suggests that Vader has even been in recent contact with his estranged son, perhaps offering him some kind of deal which may or may not have been known to the Emperor.

This journalist almost laughed out loud when confronted by the further accusation that Vader had also fathered the other notorious rebel figure "princess" Leia.

As rambling and ridiculous as it may have been, the article has kicked off a further torrent of armchair theorising.

Some commentators, taking the absurdity to ever greater heights have even claimed that the Emperor Palpatine himself is also somehow mixed up in the Jedi faith. 

At various times in the past few months Palpatine has been accused of being involved in a complex web of secret religious sympathies, political double-dealing and some kind of Byzantine plot to thwart the path of democracy.

A journal on Endor yesterday published a story suggesting that Palpatine's famous skin complaints could have been caused by some sort of weird Jedi religious ceremony gone wrong.

Palpatine: His supporters have been deeply offended by some of the accusations

A spokesman for Palpatine, quoted this morning, seemed genuinely offended by this latest claim.

"At this point a line has been crossed," said the representative. "This government has always supported the right to free speech, but flagrant and unfounded lies like this can cause a great deal of damage to the victim and their families."

"Emperor Palpatine's skin condition," he went on to say, "is the result of a well-documented and tragic accident. We condemn this attempt to exploit the personal misfortune that, as we all know, was caused by severe sun damage while holidaying on Tattoine." 

Vader, interviewed via hologram, was somewhat more light-hearted in his rebuttal. 

"I almost wish some of that swash buckling stuff about fathering children all over the galaxy was true," he joked. "It would have made my life a little more interesting, at least." 

So he doesn't support any of the claims?

"Let's just say that some people smoke a few too many death sticks," he said with a sly nod of his helmet.

                                               

End of transmission